The Ivician Daily Pravda

Thursday, October 7, 2004

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Top Story

Trade Deal Looms; Will Bring Peace and Prosperity to the Fatherland

By staff reporter Vladimir Vladimirovich

Reporting from the Civil Forum in "No Man's Land"

A government spokesman announced yesterday that trilateral talks between the People's Republic of Ivicia (PRI), the Republic of Kashikovia (RK), and the Feifdom of Norwelshdom (FN)are in their final rounds. Apparently, all that has to be resolved is the small matter of which nation's delegate should sign the draft document first. Pravda's crack team of reporters has discovered that the chief negotiator of the RK is insistent that he be the first to sign this treaty. Equally belligerent is the chief negotiator from the FN, although, as he has a head cold, he could perhaps be forgiven. The behavior of the RK representative is inexcusable! As anyone with an iota of sense could see, by virtue of it having the most at stake, the PRI representative should have the honor of being the first to affix his John Hancock to this free trade agreement.

The government calls on every citizen in the nation who wishes to keep his or her job/life/whatever remaining freedoms the central government has not yet taken away, to take part in a "completely spontaneous" demonstration at 12:00 noon tomorrow in Martyrs of the Revolution Square just down the road from our nation's rubberstamp parliament in Revolution City. Remember this "completely spontaneous" demonstration is mandatory. Be there... or else!

Citizens should not trouble themselves over the specifics of this trade deal. It will benefit all Ivicians. Pay no heed to the malicious and unfounded rumors circulating that up to 18% of our tropical rainforests are going to given away to foreign timber companies, or that these companies are only coming here to exploit our cheap labor supply. Nothing could be further from the truth! Only an imperialist capitalist pig would think such things! And as always, remember it is your solemn duty to report anyone who expresses even the slightest bit of doubt about any of the government's claims, no matter how close a relative or friend they may be. Remember, "Our Dear Leader is always right," even when he contradicts himself. If God--who does not exist by the way, as all proper Marxists know--had meant for men to think independently he would have given you brains.

Remember the opinions expressed in the above article should be your opinions. If not, I suggest you keep that to yourself.

Ivician Daily Pravda copyright 2004